I no longer think I'm in trouble; my parents seem to have forgotten all about how I rolled in at 3:45 this morning, and how I didn't even go to church on Easter Sunday. I mean, hell, even the cretins who are really distant from Christ go to church on Easter Sunday. It's sort of a, "He's gonna find out if you're naughty or nice" sort of thing.

My sister discovered my Blog, I think. (Well, I know--she brought it up as we were entertaining ourselves, away from the prehistoric conservatives that are my grandparents.) She already knew I was gay, and now she's been asking a lot about Theo, and begging permission from me to "tell all of her friends that I'm gay." This is very awkward. See, I think that this COULD bring she and I closer together. But, knowing my past endeavours with her, it probably won't.

I'm in trouble.

Ugh...damned homophobic Blockbuster employees.

For the first time in several months, I went to church this morning in lieu of Good Friday. IT was eerie...the overabundance of "meditation" sessions allowed me to analyze my faith journey, and where it has left me as of late. I don't know how I feel about my faith...I know God exists, and I earnestly believe that. I wish I had the dedication to Him that I should, and watching my pimple-faced, poorly-dressed peers lead the service through the youth group I never attended, I felt a decidedly Catholic need for penance and forgivness for not using my background of eleven years in a parochial elementary/middle school to fulfill God's plan(s) for me. And fuck, I'm Lutheran...how does that work?

I also spent the afternoon with my sister, taking her to St. Charles to purchase a coat out there she liked. We followed up the shopping excursion by seeing Jodie Foster's most recent mistake, Panic Room. I don't understand why she, of all people, has no respect for the idea of only producing WORTHWHILE films. Why would anyone want to prominently attach their name to such a B-rate atrocity of a film?

I suddenly know the true meaning of the word...jangly.

I know he loves me. Under what other pretense would someone else have nursed me like that? Especially after making a horrible mess of everything. Thank you.

Family Day in the city...ok, God, I get the idea--I need to quit smoking.

I rented "On The Line," the first film I was an extra in, last night. In fact, it was exactly one year ago this weekend that I had my first experience in film, my first brush with pseudo-celebrity. Unfortunately, in the "wake of September 11" (How many times have we heard that cliche phrase?), there has been no film activity whatsoever in Chicago--even "ER" pulled out of a filming commitment for April.

HOPEFULLY, I'll be seeing Theo tonight. I haven't spoken to HIM about this yet, however.

I'm getting worried about asking my parents. It seems like they've already planned Easter out for us. Fuck.

Queer as Folk isn't as bad as I thought it was going to be. I'm still more partial to Sex and the City, mostly based on its fantasy appeal. I don't know...the writing is rather weak for QAF.

Being a host for a span of several days is rather tiring.

Things COULD be shaping up for my trip to DC with Theo. I've found us a place to stay (a very nice and fun place to stay). The only thing holding us back would be parental edicts--his don't seem thrilled and I haven't even propositioned mine. Hmm.

I fell more in love with Theo last night. I can't explain why--perhaps because he came off as such a good boyfriend (to me)...I think he was trying to be extra-wonderful because of Chris' presence, which is understandable. But, I really enjoyed being with him last night.

Last night, Edwardsville Chris and I saw "Iris" at the Century in Evanston. I rather enjoyed it; Judi Dench did an outstanding job, and while it wasn't dark enough to constitute a film that I'd normally enjoy, I did enjoy the characters' fascination with language and love.

Following the late late film, we went to Kafein--a loathed-by-Theo coffee venue which I rather enjoyed. Their coffee is sensational, and their lemonade (freshly squeezed) is unbeatable. I think I shall convert Theo back to liking the place; it seems like somewhere I'd enjoy spending late nights with him.

Off to work--agh.

Rationalizing my failure to Blog recently based on my "being busy" is such a copout; I will simply not offer any apologies or reasoning behind it.

Always a disappontment, I am.

I saw Gosford Park last night with theo. May I just say that if there's a Maggie Smith fanclub out there, I need to be a part of it. That old broad never fails to make me titter. The movie in general was great--a bit slow at times, but overall a worthy Oscar contender.

Aaah, my watch. I realized that I left it at Theo's house after merging onto I-90. I laughed.

My hair is finally a respectable, non-embarassing shade--Kassi dyed it back on Friday. It's darker than it naturally is, and I like it better. Hmm...

Tonight, i'm taveling to the city (AGAIN) to visit with Chris. I'm not sure what we're going to do yet, but I'm sure it will involve me buying him cigarettes and us traveling around North Chicago. Fun that.

My posting has been sort of unexciting today...I'm having sleep issues, in that I can never get enough. Yesterday, I practically slept from 3:15AM, when I finished the novel "Fag Hag" (I'm not sure I'd recommend it; it's tres twisted), to 6:00 PM the next day. I took a total of two hours out of my coma to eat and UGAS a few times...my hypochondriatic side tells me I have mono--realistically, I don't.

I posted last night, but apparently my computer got some sort of indigestion from it and decided not to pass it on to you all.

Last night, I worked, and had a jovial time. This beautiful Mexican-American guy at my work, Charlie, asked me to be the lead singer in his band--apparently he's written some songs that aren't in his range or something. Knowing the general patterns of my life, I'm certain this will not actually happen--me in a band? Ha. But, the novelty of being in a band does have its benefits. So, we're supposed to have a "jam" session this week.

College Fight #4926e. Dinner, tonight. My father basically said that if I don't collect beaucoup de scholarships, I'm not going to American. This erupted into a caucophony of rhetorical jabs. My father stormed out, to attend his choir practice.

In order to remain a member of NHS, I have to work some sixty hours of community service over spring break. Do I think this is going to happen? You've GOT to be kidding me. So, I'm either going to lie about it all, or just resign.

I think I need to apologize.

I fucking hate my father. I'm sorry, dad, that you never taught me how to catch.

Always an embarassment, aren't I.

I went to see my sister's musical review tonight at her middle school--I pity the fate of the Jacobs High School music department--all the girls enjoy singing (off-key) in their chest voice. There's such a horrible break between head and chest for them, I fear they'll all develop vocal nodes before they get their first periods. And the guys...or boys, rather. There is one boy who actually could sing fairly well (who happened to have a crush on my sister), but the rest were either obnoxious or didn't sing. I'm certainly glad I'm graduating.

LHSswimmer: oh ok. whatyou gonna be again?
ScreamKH15: a journalist. have you decided?
LHSswimmer: lol no. im just gonna go undecided and enjoy my life lol.
ScreamKH15: you're joking, i take it?
LHSswimmer: lol what. i odnt need to know what im gonna do for the rest of my life. i mean enjoy it. you only live once and yoru only young once lol. ill go to ecc and take all the required classes and then ill decide hehe

What a great doctrine to live by. (Sarcasm)

Holy FUCKING shit.

In some wild, unprecedented freak of naure, I was deemed "Grand Champion" (I sounds so...horse-like, doesn't it?) of the solo competition at a midwest-wide show choir competition at Mundelein HS yesterday. This is the first time that anyone from my school has made it into finals for ANYTHING, let alone a solo, and I was competing against two really good performers, one of which happened to be from Prospect. I was never so surprised as to hear my name called as one of the finalists, and then as the MC read the second and first-runner ups names, not mentioning my own, I couldn't even believe that I had actually won first place in this multi-statewide event. Wow. So, I now have this monstrocity of a trophy sitting on my kitchen table. I'm not sure where it should go.

And again, I was deemed the "guy/boy with pink hair," receiving complements and phone numbers all day. I also had a lot of Prospect people coming up to me and congratulating me and whatnot--apparently, there's some mildly-homely girl named Mo who's "in love" with me in Mixed Company. Laney and I had a moderately long conversation as we waited backstage for the place announcements; she seems nice, albeit reminding me of my "bad-ass" neighbour across the street, in looks and attitude as well. Andy Anderson also spoke to me briefly, and a girl who knows several people at my school, Sarah Turner, lied to me by telling me our show was "so awesome," while telling my friend Leianne that it was absolutely horrid. I spoke to her repeatedly throughout the day, just to play along with her game.

The only downside/upside: I promised God that if I won first place, I would quit smoking. Damnit.

Wonderment of wonderments!

I was accepted to American University today--they sent me a congratulatory E-mail. I'm really pleased and excited. Now, the only thing is, I haven't heard from Theo yet about his status. And...I just hung up the phone with my mother, and she was not very congratulatory at all. She, knowing full well how much it cost (Or at least she should; we've discussed it so many times), asked me, "How much does it cost?" Yes, yes, fuck you too. I've seen the FAFSA's, honey--I cannot understand how you can pull this "we can't afford it" bullshit with me.

Going out with Theo tonight. Show choir at 0730 hours tomorrow...yeesh.

An unprecedented event hath occured: I had an all-around great day.

The day didn't really pick up until flex block (lunch, for us block schedule mutants), when my friends and I decided to try to piss off Mrs. Espel for the rest of the day/week/lifetime. So, we had our fun with that. Third hour was filled with a redundant lecture about things, during which I fiddled loudly with my water bottle and stared blankly and surlily (new word for the OED) at a scuff mark on the wall behind the beast.

I went home at around 2, and with my mail inspection, discovered many fun things. First and foremost, I have been elected to be in the "Who's Who of America's High School Students" book for this year. I hope American got that memo. Also, I received my All-State honors CD, which sounds tinny, but I'm just glad I finally have it in my posession.

A trip to Borders and Country Donuts ensued thereafter. After running a few menial errrands and making dinner for my family which I wasn't able to enjoy (I sliced my right index finger open in the process, leaving a large flap of skin behind), my mother arrived home with *MY CAR*. I will now only refer to the *automobile* in asterisks, because it looks beautiful. The top's all fixed, the rear window is beautifully crystalline, and it's nealy spotless on the interior and exterior.

Then, the choir concert was atrociously horrid, which actually just cheered me up because it gave me yet another reason to HATE my school and its menial, under-talented programs. A cigarette and trip to Baker's Square with my closest comrades followed, and my evening was settled. Horrah--it CAN be done.

Alright, I have to balance this pseudo-cheerful Blog with a rant. Steve Williams is a character at my school who is profusely conservative, or perhaps just conservative to be "different" and "shocking." He commonly uses the "N" word to refer to ANYTHING...for example, he measures length in "N*****dicks," to be "funny." (Apparently it works--he was elected "Class Clown.") A recent project involving himself and a videocamera, taping the most nubile-looking freshmen females and their responses to questions such as "How do you feel about giving cunnilingus to another girl?" earned him a two-day suspension and a revoking of his position as the morning announcer and vice-president of NHS. Anyways, he commonly, rudimentarily makes "homo" jokes to me whenever we're withing a ten-foot radius of one another. He thinks it's funny, and I try to cooly receive the blows and retort to them wittily, but lately it's gotten out of hand. There's a line that has been cross'd, and I'm not sure what to do about it now. Oh well.

What a surprise--Prospect's Mixed Company received first place in the Chicagoland Showcase competition on Saturday. They were actually quite talented and amazing; I thought they deserved every accolade they gained after their performance.

I thought today, and all weekend, about what my life would be like if I moved somewhere besides West Dundee following my 8th grade year. Who would I be today? I wonder how much different I would be right now if I lived in another area. Would I be happier, as a result of the omission of conservative homophobes from my life in another school? Or would I be less prone to accept my homosexuality, as a resut of missing out on key moments in my life that shaped the acknowledgement of my queerness. Did I need the oppression to make me a stronger person? I wonder. Regardless, I still wish I attended a different school for the past three years, sexuality aside.

I haven't received "THE TALK" yet.

Here are some pictures of me from the show choir atrocity this weekend.

This is me, with pink hair, as I prepare to sing my solo for a seperte competition. I sang "I Can't Stand Still" from Footloose. I allegedly did not do very well, mostly because I sang rock and roll, while my judges were looking for "Maria."

Me again, in profile, the most unflattering of poses for me, with my noseburden. It showed off my hair better, and my tummy, and my CK black microfiber briefs waistband. Naughty, naughty.

And, here is the backdrop I airbrushed, along with me looking very angry at my big crotch, and a gaggle of other meagerly-talented showchoir swine in the background.

CK Briefs: 18.50.
Whitewashed bootcut pants, hand-stitched in the crotch and thigh for added tightness: 5.00.
Fishnet shirt, sans left arm: 19.00.
PInk girl's sleeping shirt: 1.97.
Having to wear my boyfriend's bracelet on my scrawny upper-arm, because my wrists are the diameter of a smallish penis: priceless.

Busted.

My mother discovered my cigarette habit this morning, as she drove to the auto dealer with the all-too-familiar smell radiating from the interior. I haven't spoken to her yet, but I'm pretty sure she's angry with me. I have to have a talk with my parents tonight about it, allegedly. I don't know what this conversation will be about, since my father already knew. Whatever. Fuck.

What a fan-fucking-tastic day. Started off pretty poorly, evolved into a nightmare, and seems to be coming to a close in a maelstrom of shit, with new revelations abound and a three-hour lecture from my choir teacher tonight about how horrid we were this weekend.

HAve you ever had an expereince that has made you feel worthless? My weekend, in general, served that purpose.

I was so incredibly nervous about the debate tournament for at least two days prior to the actual event. I really had no idea what I was supposed to do, what the proper format was, anything. So, my first speech was a complete flop, and my second was not much better. To add to my frustration, my teammate in my chamber PO'd the first round, and was PRESSURING me to speak and ask questions. So, now I know I cannot actually be a lawyer or congressman.

Have you ever wished you went to another school? I did this weekend.

Saturday, after bleaching my hair three times and horribly disfiguring my scalp some eight hours prior, my show choir "team" performed. For us, it went well. But, every other school was at least eight hundred times better than us. I really feel like I deserve to be in another school's show choir. This just isn't fair that I have to suffer in my shoddy-at-best choir with my hell-ascended choir teacher. The onyl consolations: I looked really sexy, with my white hair and pink tips, and at least twenty girls (and one gay guy with about three teeth) flocked up to me to tell me how awesome of I performance I gave for my solo. (We did a medley from Rent; I sang the "Will I?" solo) These Playboy-gorgeous triplets from Omaha gave me a siver star because they thought I was so good...after mauling me to the ground in hugs. Aaah, celebrity.

So tonight, I finally get to see my Theodore.

I apologize for not blogging recently--it has truly been a long and painful weekend. And, I cannot delve further into the mess for you all, because I have to work in fifteen minutes. Will report later.

Per Chris' request, I have decided to Blog today (this evening). I just haven't been motivated to do it lately--I don't know why.

It seems as though Erin may not be able to accompany me to the Ani concert. I visited her at her house, after driving to her work and discovering she had called in ill. She apparently did not tel lher mother of here whereabouts, and is wallowing in a plastic pool of ludicrous punishments. So, I need to find someone who will come with me. Fuck.

Long day.

Quotations of last evening:

"So, you don't live very far from Ravinia, then?"
"I don't really know if homosexuality exists."
"Turn left."

Thought i'd refresh someone's memory, as said individual has difficulties recalling such things.

JHS Outlook and Diversity Refinement Project: Part I
I brought up the issue of homosexuality today with one of my more conservative friends, Pat. He believes that homosexuality is a choice, and that Christianity is adamantly against the practice. Drawing a crowd at rehearsal, i debated bitterly with him about the subject, making it clear that he will not survive in the real world with these earth-is-flat theories. One step forward for my new goal, one step back in my friendship with Patrick.

Ha--boi.

I think I'm done now.

Two unusual friendship feelings today.

First, I spent a good deal of the day with Kyle, my former best friend. It was somewhat tolerable, and after talking to him mano a mano and him saying smething along the lines of "I really enjoyed finally talking to you today," I realized that I can't help but feel sorry for despising him so. He's just so weak, and he's cultivated the pity-me bit. Grr...I wish I really didn't have a soul.

I also had another realization today, which came to me as a surprise--I do miss Betsy. She's just so cute; it's fun to gaze at her like the big doll house at the Museum of Science and Industry. Impractical to own, but charming and captivating at the same time.

Erin tomorrow, Theo Wednesday. I hope he is alright, and I wish he were able to explain further about his accident this morning.

Finally...I can breathe again.

I feel like i'm under an increasing amount of pressure. Mostly from my parents--they consantly stress how everything in my family is going to change as a result of an occupational issue with my mother. They have been hounding me to finish scholarship applications...hinting that i may not be able to go to whichever school I'd like to attend...and so on. I'm also experiencing a score of self-pressure about some issues. Not fun.

I'm tired and have a headache.

Theo is arriving here in a few minutes, and I'm sure I'll have something to comment on after his departure.

If anyone feels like contacting me, which I highly doubt, one may do so by E-mailing BoyInBrownShirt@hotmail.com.

Turn-a-bout was fun, but sleeping with Theo was much more enjoyable.

Nothing much to Blog about. Had a good day yesterday, mostly. He knows how I feel; that's all I can do about the situation.

Turn-a-bout tonight, Theo sleepover after. I need to take a nap.

Oh, and I got a Division I score for the IHSA Solo/Ensemble competition. My judge, who wouldn't so much as look at any of the other performers while they were singing, watched me intently throughout my song, and sat me down and complemented me and commented for five minutes. She just dismissed everyone else. I felt, for one fleeting moment, intimidating to anyone else in that room.

Fleeting indeed.